the noise of the room stills as we step up on the blocks. my head hurts. my heart pounds. my stomach as been doing somersaults for the last ten minutes. i pull my swim cap down around my ears and stick my goggles on my face. "swimmers. take your mark. get set" i can feel the blood rushing from my heart. i slow my breathing, long slow inhale, exhale, "GO" i take a long, deep breath as my muscles spring into action. they are ready for this, they have trained for weeks for this moment. the only thing now is the mental game. the only thing keeping me away from a win is my over-active brain. ...stroke, stroke, stroke, breathe, stroke, flip, slice through the water. the hard part is over. my brain lets out a sigh of relief and within moments my hand slams against the scoring pad, stopping the clock. lazily, i allow my body to drift to the surface. slowly, i remove my goggles, nonchalantly, i look at the score board. "lane 4. 2nd place" not bad for a first meet. in a daze, i turn and shake the hands of the girls beside me. breathing easy, i slip out of the pool. i grab a bagel, my towel, and my ipod and start the re-psych process for my next race. 

im not sure what the title should be......so help me.

"okay, last photo and then you ladies may go back inside" o thank goodness. if i had to stand out here in this wet, pokey grass any longer.... "smile big! one, two, three" FLASH. that was bright. dang. i dont think i can walk straight. i picked up my dress so it would not get dirty before the wedding ceremony. my cousin would kill me if that happened, plus, i rather liked breathing on my own. dress in one hand and my watermelon pink shoes in the other, i slowly trudged away from the bridal party, trying to avoid the little rocks and sharp, bamboo like grass which had a knack for digging themselves deep into my heels. all i could think about was going back to the dressing area and warming up my numb shoulders and and feet. OUCH! i cradled my foot in my hands the best i could and scraped the rock that had embedded itself deep in the arch of my foot. bloody hell. with a slight limp, i stumbled my way back to the church.

meh

 the bitter sweet liquid hits my lips as i throw my head back in anticipation and take a sip. aaaaaah. my shoulders relax and my mind drifts to another world. a world where everything goes my way. no homework. no pesty teachers. just me and my green tea. i imagine i am back in the warmth of my bed. wrapped up in a cacoon of blankets. my cat lying beside me, keeping part of me extra warm. my chest vibrates. my ears are filled with the sound of a cats purrrrrrrr. i peak out from under my poncho liner to be greeted by two glowing green eyes. slowly my hand slides out from underneath my blankets and i begin to scratch his soft, black head. his purs grow louder and my chest vibrates even more. my hand slackens as i succumb to sleeps soft call. my dreams are filled with open fields, covered in yellow daisy. my ears are overwelmed by the buzzing of the bees as they go about their work amongst the flowers. the warmth of the sunshine lying upon my skin makes me drowsy. a cool breeze gently plays with me hair and ruffles the tree leaves all around me. i lean up agaist a tree and begin to doze off. i dream i am beside a sea. its a calm day. the calm before the storm, calm. barely any clouds. the only sounds are the sqwaks of the birds and the incessent crashing of the waves against the sand. digging my toes into the sand, i am awakened from my seashore paradise by a shrill alarm clock. dang it. my eyes open, i am back in the open field. o thank goodness. suddenly i am whisked away, back to the warmth of my blankets and the soft purs of my cat.. o sweet sleep. nope. i am slapped awake by the ringing of my school bell. crap. i throw my things together and run to class, half asleep.

some place

meet me some place
far from here
take me to a place of beauty
life here is too boring and droll
i need energy
i need color
everything here is black and white
flowers die
and breezes are no more
take me to a place of peace
a place of harmny
some where
where the flowers blossom even in winter
warm breezes warm my heart on a pretty day
a place to laugh
a place to grow
a place to be me
take me to that place
that place where nothing can harm us
and all is friendly
i want to go to that place
in your warm embrace
take me there

a thousand miles

we walk a thousand miles
to end up in the same place
at the beginning of our end
where we started to tear apart
we run backwards a thousand miles
to the place where we first saw each other
my heart stopped
i knew you were the one and only
but here
a thousand miles later
we dont so much as look at each otehr
you used to warm my soul
now you chill my deep dark abyss of a heart
i gave you my everything
all my time and energy
you gave me a shattered beyond repair heart
i used to laugh and love
but ive forgotten how
you took away my joy with those words
i dont regret ever loving you
just the time lost
my clock is ever ticking
and precious moments spent wasted with you
are forever gone
bitter seet memories are forever playing in my mind

BOO

misunderstood
i just want to be left alone
with my amber solice
i see the world through silent films
of black and white
broken windows
and shattered dreams
litter my world of grey

Alist

beauty.
peace.
love.
hatred.
confliction.
red.
busy.
friends.
enemies.
faithful.
encourage.
music.
=life.

how far have i gone?

away away
i wandered so far
i need a map
so i stole one
but i soon realize
it wont get me to where i want to go
but where is that exactly
well
i dont know
but i do know that this map wont
get me to where i think i want to go
o my
im lost
and so i my head
what shall i do?
i shall steal another map(:

a dream within a dream

the droning of my teachers voice begins to shut down my mind. i wish i could stay awake. i need to stay awake. o well. *heavy sigh* as my eyelids, heavy with exhaustion, slowly start to fall, my eyes go hazy in there attempt to stay open, and my mind begins to show me vivid scenes of pink clouds painted onto light blue skies. i see people. many people. some black. others white. few with the yellowish tint so commonly grouped with asians. but they all look exactly alike. they all look like me. just. some black. others white. and few yellow. all eyes are upon me as i begin to stumble through the mob. as i pass by, their heads turn to follow. they are looking for something. something in me. i feel the urge to break loose and run. i cant. my feet are stuck in black tar. panicking, i turn for help. but no one dare reach out a hand to help me. i scream. nothing. their blank faces stare back at me. unmoving. uncaring. nonchalant. tears begin to pour down my face as i realize this is it. i am done. my life has been lived and it is now coming to its inglorious end. as i begin to see my fate, my subconscious kicks in. at first its foggy. but as the fog begins to dissipate, a form begins to emerge. a rather tall, muscular form. suddenly, a hand. a hand made rough from years of hard labor and pain. i grab hold of it. i can feel the muscles tighten as it begins to lift me out of the mire. i am free. finally i can breathe again. all traces of panic flee from my mind. i have a savior. he breaks my fall. all the excitement seems to have drained my body of energy. in his arms i allow myself to rest. i wake up to something sticky and wet around my feet. my heart racing i look down. tar. i desperately look around me and all i see is me. some black. others white. and few yellow. i yell out in frustration and despair as i begin, so once again, fall. i jerk awake to the sounds of my teacher droning on and on about nothing at all.

ponder

to see you standing there
my heart skips a beat
slowly, i begin to stumble towards you
shaking. i say hello with a timid voice
and i wonder what you are thinking.
your eyes spill all.
we will be the best of friends(:

dreams and aspirations

1. graduate high school
2. attend Full Sail University and get a bachelors in Show Production
3. be hired by a band or theatrical group and travel the world
4. hike the Appalachian trail from start to finish with my brother and cousin
5. do what i love, show production
6. get married
7. have a family
8. open a bar
9. live a good, long life with my husband and kids
10. travel

i want to be rich. i want to give back. i want to go to Africa and work with the kids. i want to travel the world and help random people off the streets. i want to write a book. i want to give a homeless person a chance to become something more than a cardboard sign and a tin can, a statistic. i want to be remembered, not as, o she is so amazing, but she loved her God. i want to make a difference. i want to work with a girls home. i want to be that mom, the who everyone goes to when they need help. i want to have a safe house. i want to develop lasting relationships.

a word of encouragement?

alsdkfjaiowefr. phantom. just the simple word alone makes my heart race and my tummy flip. undoubtedly the hardest, most well known musical this school with ever do, and i am apart of it. i could not be more proud of my stage crew and the cast. we have a long road ahead of us but we can pull through. i have every faith in them all. the ideas i have running through my head are beginning to drive me insane.....and we just started practices..our set design class hasn't even considered the sets for phantom and the costumes haven't been created. and i am already freaking out. it is amazing to me, the sweet beauty of this show. its a whirl wind of emotions. it will haunt you for days after witnesses the intricate darkness of the phantoms mind. you will be wowed. i feel confident, though scared, as i walk head first into this daunting task. my crew. i don't have the words to describe. i know you will be there. i know you will be on point. i know this is coming waaaaay early, but o well. i am so proud of our phantom. he will be fantastic. this show will be phenomenal. just you wait. (:

life.

penniless. broken. he trudges alongside the wrotting steal of a railway. scenes flash before his eyes, like projections once rich with color but now faded with the wear and tear of being visited daily. he lives in the past for he has no future. he has no will. no purpose. he once believed in himself. he once believed in humanity. until that fateful day. it started off so normal. alarm rings. shower, on. shower, off. he performed the monotonous tasks that the morning calls for. groomed himself, dressed himself, fed himself. and then the phone rang. he just about wet himself it scared him so badly. with a look of confusion slowly turning into anger he dragged himself to the phone. MOM. shit. so much for a normal day. his fingers begrudgingly hit the little green phone. the room is thrust into silence. -hello? his mothers voice hesitantly breaks the silence. slowly and with venom dripping from his every word -what. do. you. want.?  exactly three minutes after he picked up the phone he slammed it back down into its cradle. he had lost everything. he hadnt spoken to his mom in 10 years and the one time she has the audacity to call is to inform him that he is alone. b.i.t.c.h. ((10 years ago he had come out of the closet. his father cut him off. and his mother refused to acknowledge that he existed. his sister was the only one who still talked to him but in the last year she started going down a path filled with hallucinations, pills, and re-hab. he did everything he could to help her. she became distant.)) after ten years of silence, his beloved mother decides to tell him that he is an illegitmate child...and. that his beautiful little sister has passed away due the incurable disease, AIDS. she was pregnant. no matter how much he begged his mom, she refused to tell him when and where the funeral would be. she said that he would be a disgrace to the memory of his sister. he sank to the floor. face soaked with salty tears. he hadnt cried since the day his parents forced him out of their lives. he sat there for hours. engrossed in the memories of his beloved. by the time he had come out of his reverie, everything had been destroyed. his home had been set ablaze and his accounts emptied. he picked himself up from among the ashes and began to walk. he walked until his feet bled. and he has continued walking.

The Husband

at the crack of dawn
he wakes,
slowly rising as not to disturb his beloved
from her peaceful slumber
he gets dressed in the dark
mumbling under his breath
as he slams his toes in the dresser
and shuts his finger in a door
she stirs,
he goes deathly silent
and looks at her peaceful face
and softly,  kissing her lips,
he makes sure shes okay
as he slips out the door
he looks back just one more time
"i love you" he whispers
as he turns to leave
he hears "i love you more"
smiling to himself
he leaves for work

spot lights
late nights
party hard
you arent young forever
alcohol kills you
drugs age you
the old become young
as youth leaves years before its time
you wake up
and look into the mirror
all traces of youth are gone from your face
you turn around
and take another hit

i want to be mad, madder than a hatter

In a world of chipped tea  pots
and painted flowers
the color red
is all these bloodshot eyes see
in a world of hats
and of vanishing eyes
confusion is all i can taste
In a world of hookah
and hazy futures
fear is all this mind feels
with all your insanity
all i can ponder over
is me serenity
my wandering mind
screams
what about my sanity
does that matter 
to you, hatter
in the grand scheme of things?

sandstorm

Gingerly, I opened my sand crusted eyes and peered through sun- filled slits. It’s over. Thank heavens. I crawled out from under my crude shelter and looked around, sand. I glanced to the left, sand. I glanced to the right, sand. “Dandy- freaking- lions.” I sat heavily and began to ponder over what had happened. A sand storm, obviously, but in NC? That’s weird. You don’t see those every day. As I brainstormed over what could have caused this phenomena, my mind wandered back to that morning. It had started off normally. Then the winds began to pick up. At first, it seemed like it would be a normal thunder storm; wind, rain, the usual. Then it began to rain sand. It started off lightly, like a sprinkle and then the heavens broke. The sand was pouring from the heavens and the wind blew with such ferocity, I thought it was out to take its revenge on some poor soul. I tried to shield my eyes the best I could, but it was futile. Sand gets everywhere. Blinded, I stumbled to the ground and threw my jacket over my head. Wind beaten and sand driving into every pore, I fell into an exhausted sleep. I woke to the sounds of birds chirping. Gingerly, I opened my sand crusted eyes and peered through sun- filled slits. I sat up to find a little wide eyed girl staring at me in complete and total bewilderment. I glanced to the left, houses. I glanced to the right, houses. No trace of sand anywhere. “I have got to stop eating cheese before bed.” I slowly rise and begin to trudge home. With every step, sand is dislodged from its resting place in my clothes and falls stealthily to the ground.

a white night

the fire crackles
i snuggle closer to you
its a white night
spent beside my
white knight
i love you darlin'
we're watching
its a wonderful life
i fall asleep in your arms
warm next to you
you hug me closer
as i drift away into a peaceful seep
i awake.
i awake to darkness
its a chilly black night
im so cold
so alone
your no where in sight
no fire
no movie
just me
im feezing
so i grab a blanket
but i dont need it
for thougths of you warm my soul

kickin and screamin

kicking and screaming
i climbed my way to the top
just to catch a glimpse of your beauty
thinking that you may love me
if im good enough
oh  but how was i wrong
you didnt so much as look at me
i loved you
gave you my all
then you baked it in a pie
and threw it in my face
you ass
go clean up the mess you've made of my heart.

scout

i just dont know
i dont understand
my world is ever changing
these painted faces
are forever breaking
i cant comprehend
this hate i see
those loathsome glances
enstill a sence of insecurity in me
this world of black and white
is slowly turning to color
my world of simplicity
is ever opaque
i want to understand this hate
but all i know is love

humph

dancing on the moon
the stars as my audience
you cant hurt me now

..ps.. i love you.

he hangs onto her every word. grasping every thought left unspoken. he tries to understand her eccentric ways but he just cant. he worries she might hurt herself, yet, he cant express his concern. she's so fragile. she could break any moment. all he wantes is to be there when she does. that way, she wont fall alone. he lovers her. he is her gueardian angel. she just doesnt realize, through all the pain and suffering, he was the one in the shadows, whispering sweet encouragement through every moment a memory. such a beautiful creature. he admires her beauty and cherishes her every flaw. but she will never understand, she will never understand the love a father has for he little girl.

Demonic- Angel

a friend betrayed
is a heart slayed
a trust stolen
is a bond forever broken
a brotherhood ruined
over a silly little girl
with bouncy curls
and an angelic smile
oh how the heart wants
what i cannot have
oh how the heart breaks
over something so fake
the trust
the bond
both are gone
one steals the love of the demonic-angel
with bouncy curls
and an angelic smile
and the other is left standing
broken and weary
trustless
loveless
he walks away from this friendship
the brotherhood
with a severed bond
and a broken heart