BOO

misunderstood
i just want to be left alone
with my amber solice
i see the world through silent films
of black and white
broken windows
and shattered dreams
litter my world of grey

Alist

beauty.
peace.
love.
hatred.
confliction.
red.
busy.
friends.
enemies.
faithful.
encourage.
music.
=life.

how far have i gone?

away away
i wandered so far
i need a map
so i stole one
but i soon realize
it wont get me to where i want to go
but where is that exactly
well
i dont know
but i do know that this map wont
get me to where i think i want to go
o my
im lost
and so i my head
what shall i do?
i shall steal another map(:

a dream within a dream

the droning of my teachers voice begins to shut down my mind. i wish i could stay awake. i need to stay awake. o well. *heavy sigh* as my eyelids, heavy with exhaustion, slowly start to fall, my eyes go hazy in there attempt to stay open, and my mind begins to show me vivid scenes of pink clouds painted onto light blue skies. i see people. many people. some black. others white. few with the yellowish tint so commonly grouped with asians. but they all look exactly alike. they all look like me. just. some black. others white. and few yellow. all eyes are upon me as i begin to stumble through the mob. as i pass by, their heads turn to follow. they are looking for something. something in me. i feel the urge to break loose and run. i cant. my feet are stuck in black tar. panicking, i turn for help. but no one dare reach out a hand to help me. i scream. nothing. their blank faces stare back at me. unmoving. uncaring. nonchalant. tears begin to pour down my face as i realize this is it. i am done. my life has been lived and it is now coming to its inglorious end. as i begin to see my fate, my subconscious kicks in. at first its foggy. but as the fog begins to dissipate, a form begins to emerge. a rather tall, muscular form. suddenly, a hand. a hand made rough from years of hard labor and pain. i grab hold of it. i can feel the muscles tighten as it begins to lift me out of the mire. i am free. finally i can breathe again. all traces of panic flee from my mind. i have a savior. he breaks my fall. all the excitement seems to have drained my body of energy. in his arms i allow myself to rest. i wake up to something sticky and wet around my feet. my heart racing i look down. tar. i desperately look around me and all i see is me. some black. others white. and few yellow. i yell out in frustration and despair as i begin, so once again, fall. i jerk awake to the sounds of my teacher droning on and on about nothing at all.

ponder

to see you standing there
my heart skips a beat
slowly, i begin to stumble towards you
shaking. i say hello with a timid voice
and i wonder what you are thinking.
your eyes spill all.
we will be the best of friends(:

dreams and aspirations

1. graduate high school
2. attend Full Sail University and get a bachelors in Show Production
3. be hired by a band or theatrical group and travel the world
4. hike the Appalachian trail from start to finish with my brother and cousin
5. do what i love, show production
6. get married
7. have a family
8. open a bar
9. live a good, long life with my husband and kids
10. travel

i want to be rich. i want to give back. i want to go to Africa and work with the kids. i want to travel the world and help random people off the streets. i want to write a book. i want to give a homeless person a chance to become something more than a cardboard sign and a tin can, a statistic. i want to be remembered, not as, o she is so amazing, but she loved her God. i want to make a difference. i want to work with a girls home. i want to be that mom, the who everyone goes to when they need help. i want to have a safe house. i want to develop lasting relationships.

a word of encouragement?

alsdkfjaiowefr. phantom. just the simple word alone makes my heart race and my tummy flip. undoubtedly the hardest, most well known musical this school with ever do, and i am apart of it. i could not be more proud of my stage crew and the cast. we have a long road ahead of us but we can pull through. i have every faith in them all. the ideas i have running through my head are beginning to drive me insane.....and we just started practices..our set design class hasn't even considered the sets for phantom and the costumes haven't been created. and i am already freaking out. it is amazing to me, the sweet beauty of this show. its a whirl wind of emotions. it will haunt you for days after witnesses the intricate darkness of the phantoms mind. you will be wowed. i feel confident, though scared, as i walk head first into this daunting task. my crew. i don't have the words to describe. i know you will be there. i know you will be on point. i know this is coming waaaaay early, but o well. i am so proud of our phantom. he will be fantastic. this show will be phenomenal. just you wait. (:

life.

penniless. broken. he trudges alongside the wrotting steal of a railway. scenes flash before his eyes, like projections once rich with color but now faded with the wear and tear of being visited daily. he lives in the past for he has no future. he has no will. no purpose. he once believed in himself. he once believed in humanity. until that fateful day. it started off so normal. alarm rings. shower, on. shower, off. he performed the monotonous tasks that the morning calls for. groomed himself, dressed himself, fed himself. and then the phone rang. he just about wet himself it scared him so badly. with a look of confusion slowly turning into anger he dragged himself to the phone. MOM. shit. so much for a normal day. his fingers begrudgingly hit the little green phone. the room is thrust into silence. -hello? his mothers voice hesitantly breaks the silence. slowly and with venom dripping from his every word -what. do. you. want.?  exactly three minutes after he picked up the phone he slammed it back down into its cradle. he had lost everything. he hadnt spoken to his mom in 10 years and the one time she has the audacity to call is to inform him that he is alone. b.i.t.c.h. ((10 years ago he had come out of the closet. his father cut him off. and his mother refused to acknowledge that he existed. his sister was the only one who still talked to him but in the last year she started going down a path filled with hallucinations, pills, and re-hab. he did everything he could to help her. she became distant.)) after ten years of silence, his beloved mother decides to tell him that he is an illegitmate child...and. that his beautiful little sister has passed away due the incurable disease, AIDS. she was pregnant. no matter how much he begged his mom, she refused to tell him when and where the funeral would be. she said that he would be a disgrace to the memory of his sister. he sank to the floor. face soaked with salty tears. he hadnt cried since the day his parents forced him out of their lives. he sat there for hours. engrossed in the memories of his beloved. by the time he had come out of his reverie, everything had been destroyed. his home had been set ablaze and his accounts emptied. he picked himself up from among the ashes and began to walk. he walked until his feet bled. and he has continued walking.

The Husband

at the crack of dawn
he wakes,
slowly rising as not to disturb his beloved
from her peaceful slumber
he gets dressed in the dark
mumbling under his breath
as he slams his toes in the dresser
and shuts his finger in a door
she stirs,
he goes deathly silent
and looks at her peaceful face
and softly,  kissing her lips,
he makes sure shes okay
as he slips out the door
he looks back just one more time
"i love you" he whispers
as he turns to leave
he hears "i love you more"
smiling to himself
he leaves for work

spot lights
late nights
party hard
you arent young forever
alcohol kills you
drugs age you
the old become young
as youth leaves years before its time
you wake up
and look into the mirror
all traces of youth are gone from your face
you turn around
and take another hit

i want to be mad, madder than a hatter

In a world of chipped tea  pots
and painted flowers
the color red
is all these bloodshot eyes see
in a world of hats
and of vanishing eyes
confusion is all i can taste
In a world of hookah
and hazy futures
fear is all this mind feels
with all your insanity
all i can ponder over
is me serenity
my wandering mind
screams
what about my sanity
does that matter 
to you, hatter
in the grand scheme of things?